We are married for just one year. We were living together for 2 years prior to our marriage. Our life together, before I became pregnant, was exciting and romantic. We experienced wonderful sex and spoke glowingly of our love for one another. Now that I am in my first trimester, I am afraid of having intercourse. In fact, my libido has completely disappeared. When my husband approaches me I tell him I can’t, using the excuse: “I don’t want to hurt the baby.” He storms out of bed each time , goes into another room and sulks. He says he has biological needs and if I can’t fulfill them, then at least give him permission to keep a mistress until the baby is delivered. I became furious at such a suggestion. How dare he say such a disgusting thing? How can he be so selfish? I am tired, moody, depressed and nauseated. Having a baby should be such a happy time for us. And, it’s not. What has happened to us? What should I do?
There’s lots of blame to go around in this situation. First: there is the husband. Fellah, you are one big jerk, to put it simply. I know you are worried about your biological needs. I know you are concerned that your manhood is being threatened by your wife’s rejection of you when you want to engage in sex. But, what about her womanhood? She is probably overwhelmed by the physical and emotional changes she is going through. How should she feel when you reject her by storming out of the bedroom and threatening to get a mistress? Maybe someone told you that by the 2nd trimester her libido may return. But, you don’t want to count on that do you? Is it possible that in your mind SEX is equal to LOVE? In the “ Ethics of the Fathers”, the Rabbis state that “whenever love depends upon some material cause, with the passing away of that cause , the love too passes away: but if it is sustained by another ingredient, it will not pass away forever.” What is that other ingredient? The spiritual level of one’s love. Look, if you got married because there’s good sex in your bedroom, life has a big surprise for you. Sex can and should be fulfilling. But, it is never a substitute for Love. There is beautiful music inside the person you say you love. When you help your wife hear the melody, when you make her aware of the wonders that are she, her love for you will grow. The same applies to your partner. The more she helps you discover the marvelous wonders within you, the more you will love her. What I am saying to both of you is that there must be a spiritual dimension to your life. The libido will make its appearance when you least expect it. The problem in relationships is that the man goes from south to north and the woman goes from north to south. You and your wife are a team and there is a baby waiting in the wings. Romance her, talk to her, love her.. not just with your body but with your words.with your soul. Do this and you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what is yet to come.
In my next blog I will address my remarks to the pregnant woman ,who also is far from being blameless. Please don’t hesitate to write to me with your comments or questions concerning this or any other issue that is important to you.